NOTHING is sacred anymore. Absolutely nothing. If you’ve got dogs, or have had children, you might think you have that concept down. I have many dogs, raised 2 boys, and drove school bus for K-12 for 10 years. So when I say this, believe it: you’re wrong. Dead wrong. Raccoons are in a league of their own.
The person who said “There’s nothing faster than a toddler running away after being asked what they have in their mouth” has clearly never tried to raise a raccoon. If by some miracle you are given the gift of alacrity and the speed of The Flash himself, you might, MAYBE get your raccoon cornered before they swallow that flash drive they stole from the edge of your laptop.
I didn’t say “if you’re lucky,” for a reason. If you catch up to the fur coated greased lightning that is a thieving raccoon, you’re not lucky. You’re doomed. You will be met by Cerberus who, through some magical means I will never understand, has inhabited the body of your normally sweet fuzzball. There is no possible approach which allows your fingers to come away in one piece should you, mere mortal, be foolish enough to reach within the 3 headed devil dog’s domain.
You will learn very fast that raccoon teeth are not made of anything so mundane as bone and enamel. Oh no. They’re razors that are enchanted for extra strength and bone-seeking capabilities. Before you can blink an eye, your finger will need a million stitches. From a single bite. We won’t even discuss their titanium claws sharpened to a point that would put an obsidian knife to shame.
So in addition to many missing items, and cleaning up frequent blood spatter, you will discover that raccoons are living trash confetti cannons. You know that cartoon character, Pig Pen? The one with the cloud of dust following him everywhere? Raccoons have that. But it isn’t a dust cloud. It is fur.. and bits and pieces of things that may have been pilfered from the trash can… or just as likely… were once irreplaceable heirlooms. I think the more value the item they destroy has, the larger their confetti cloud becomes. Its like some sacred quest. The raccoon that wins at life and is king of them all has the largest, most valuable trash confetti cloud.
If you watch any of my videos, you will notice the carpet usually has a bit of debris on it. I can vacuum 5 minutes before I video, and there will still be trash confetti. Its some thrice-cursed magical talent gifted to them by Baphomet or one of the other princes of one of the 7 circles of hell. After awhile, you just admit defeat- vacuum on a regular schedule and learn to live with the eye twitch that develops from ignoring the confetti.
You will also learn what the stuffing on the inside of your couches and recliners look like. I never knew my couch was filled with GREEN stuffing. I do now. In a fit of desperation, I finally overturned the couch, stuffed what was left of the poor thing’s guts back inside, and stapled chicken wire over the entire underside. The blood sacrifice made via all the cuts and pokes from cutting and stretching chicken wire seemed to appease the demons. For a short while. Just until they figured out how to poke a hole into the cushion seams from the top and start removing stuffing that way.
If you’re the type of person (like me) who prefers to get something that works, and keep it until it falls apart with age, you’re in for a rude awakening if you share your domain with a raccoon. I’ve worn glasses since the 3rd grade. I usually go 5 years between upgrades. I’ve never seen the need to have a spare pair of glasses… until now. Since raccoons have come into my life, I average a couple of months before I need new glasses. I’m finally getting my money’s worth out of all those insurance plans I paid extra for but never used to actually need. Headphones don’t last longer than a couple weeks unless you have a steel box with a padlock to put them into.. even while wearing them…
If you can survive the ever-messy house, the knowledge that latches locks and drawers slow them down, but don’t stop them, deal with the random bites that draw blood when their mercurial mood swings the wrong way… there’s no animal on the earth that will love you more completely.
Raccoon Adventures 